The Gospel According to Jeffrey

pros·per succeed in material terms; be financially successful: “his business prospered” flourish physically; grow strong and healthy: “areas where gray squirrels cannot prosper” ARCHAIC make successful: “God has wonderfully prospered this nation” Recently, Anna derisively mentioned the “ prosperity gospel .” As I understand it, this phrase means that following God inevitably results in financial wealth and physical wellbeing. Of course, Father has never promised that following Him will always result in anything besides spiritual strength, but I can see where some would interpret passages like Alma 36:1 to so indicate. That being said, I have noticed that when I begin my day with prayer and scripture study, the day just goes better; and I’m not sure I’ve ever once lost my job during a period when my prayers for help in my work ascended beyond the occasional, surface-level petition. Certainly when I lost my job with Beezwax (last week), any semblance of regular prayer or scripture...

Once upon a time, probably about 15 years ago, a woman in our ward in Lafayette, Indiana, was preparing for baptism. One Sunday, I was speaking with her in the foyer, after Church. She mentioned how much she loved the Church of Jesus Christ because of how wonderful all the people were. She was kind of taken back by my response, which went something like this: “I’ll certainly take that as a compliment, but at the same time, I’ve got to tell you: if you’re going to get baptized because you like the people here, please don’t. It will honestly be better if you don’t get baptized at all.” (At this point, her eyes grew a bit wider, but I continued.) “Most of the people in the Church are great, but I promise you that someday, somehow, someone at church is going to really piss… you… off .” (Her eyes grew even wider, at this point. Again, I continued.) “It might be me, it might be the bishop, it might be someone you don’t even know yet, but I’m telling you: it’s going to happen. And...

Rockin’ vest, Brother Jones. A few weeks ago, there was a post on Mormon Life Hacker regarding Needs-Based Home Teaching , so I thought I’d share my experience with doing just that. Hopefully it will help someone out there. In late 2011, I was serving as elders quorum secretary in the ward with the lowest activity rate in our stake. Because of our low activity rates, there were dozens of families—literally hundreds of people—who didn’t have home teachers assigned. In many cases, no one even knew who they were! I’m not sure if the directive came down from the stake president or if a suggestion was made at the ward level and approved by the stake, but we revamped our home teaching program completely, using the following counsel from the Church Handbook of Instructions, Book 2, §7.4.2: “Quorum and group leaders assign the most effective home teachers to members who need them most. When assigning home teachers, leaders give highest priority to new members, less-active members w...

One of the greatest, but perhaps most controversial, doctrines of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that of man’s infinite potential: our ability to become like God. Early Christians called this concept “ apotheosis ” or “deification,” but most modern Christians are ignorant thereof. Of the few non–Latter-day Saints who have even heard of it, many actually view it as hubristic, that we believe we’re going to become equal to God or even surpass Him! Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. All this being said, I came up with an idea, many years ago, that explains my personal understanding of eternal progress (apotheosis, etc.). I don’t know if it will make sense to my readers, but it certainly makes sense to me. And before I begin, a warning: if you’re not a math geek like I, you may want to bail out now, before your head starts spinning. ;-) We begin with a somewhat familiar concept, that of a pyramid scheme. For those who are unfamiliar with the concept, a pyramid scheme...

A few years ago, I was talking with a new friend who was investigating the Church. Her backstory was long and complicated, but it was obvious that she and her husband were faithful and progressing toward joining the Church. In the course of conversation, this friend told me how wonderful the Church was. She said that over the years, she’d been to many different churches, but that nowhere were the people as good and loving and friendly as in ours. I responded that I was flattered, that I was glad she felt that way; but I cautioned her that if she were planning to join the Church because of the people, she’d be better off not getting baptized at all. She seemed a bit shocked, but I continued: if and when she joined the Church, she’d better do it because she loved her Savior and wanted to follow Him. I promised her that someday—maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday—one of those great people was going to really piss her off. It might be a bishop, it might the woman sitting n...

As many of my closer readers know, I suffered a trial of my faith, about 16 months ago. That was when my son Daniel came too early, my perfectly formed little boy born dead. While Daniel’s death itself did not cause me to doubt my testimony of the Lord and His gospel, the events surrounding this horrible experience had a particularly negative impact on that sure knowledge. In February 2007, I was literally able to call down the powers of Heaven by the authority of the Holy Priesthood. In June 2010, I am still unable to do this, at least to the extent that I did at that time. Yesterday morning, I was praying for help in returning to that point. I don’t expect it to happen in an instant; I have to learn and grow, to “work out [my] salvation” as Paul instructed the Philippians (Phil. 2:13). To this end, I asked Heavenly Father what I needed to do and was blessed with one of the greatest revelations I’ve had in a while. In 2010, the First Presidency has started a kind of “back to basic...

It has always interested me—and not necessarily in a good way—that so many critics of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints complain that the Church is a “brainwashing cult” or whatever. The irony of this becomes particularly apparent when one realizes that many of the most outspoken critics have done no firsthand (or even secondhand) research whatsoever, they just attended some “Mormonism” class that their own church put on and assume everything said in that class—like everything their preacher has ever said—is the Gospel truth. Now, don’t get me wrong; I fully recognize that there are some misinformed members of the Church of Jesus Christ that fall into this same category: that of assuming that everything a leader says, regardless of what it is, is scripture on the same level as the canonical works. This is obviously not the case, as several Church leaders—even Apostles—have been officially rebuked for certain *ahem* inaccurate statements made along the way. I have person...

I’m gonna get the book a bit, in this episode of The Empty Soda Can. Hopefully if you’re totally irreligious, you’ll still be able to follow this; if not, just let me know and I’ll try to explain. I was out mowing the lawn, this morning—ah, the beauties of setting one’s own schedule!—and I got to thinking about the Parable of the Ten Virgins. This Christian parable is found in the Biblical Book of Matthew: specifically, chapter 25, verses 1-13 . In short, there are ten virgins that know the bridegroom is on his way to a wedding they’re supposed to be attending. Since ancient Jewish weddings were often delayed due to dowry negotiations, etc., the virgins don’t know when he’ll get there. When the bridegroom finally shows up, it’s the middle of the night and five of the virgins—the “foolish” ones—have some oil in their lamps, but not enough. They beg the other five—the “wise” ones—to share some oil with them, but the wise ones don’t have enough for both of them. The foolish virgins spen...